So. How do you fight temptation?

Do you just ... try harder? Do you just ... remind yourself again and again that sin is bad, and that God hates it?

You'll find that many Christians have a woefully inadequate understanding of how to deal with sin. You'd think that's one of the most basic things about the Christian life that everyone would know - but surprisingly that's not the case.

In fact most Christians you ask for advice will have very simplistic and ineffectual suggestions to make, which reflect the lack of understanding of the internal workings of the human heart. And that's no surprise, because that's what our age is like: brilliant at technology and manipulating the world 'out there' - but helpless at understanding what's going on inside ourselves.
 
How then do we fight temptation?

Christians from a previous age understood very well the internal dynamics of the human heart, and knew how to equip themselves to stand strongly against temptation. The Puritans get a bad press, but I've done some study on them and in reality we have massive amounts to learn from them - in terms of their bravery in the face of opposition (many pastors lost their jobs for failing to compromise on theology), in terms of well thought out theology (they were reformed theologically) - but also in terms of understanding the ways of the human heart.

Last year I read a brilliant work by Thomas Chalmers called, The Expulsive Power of a New Affection. And it's something that I believe everyone doing ministry ought to read - whether you're a Bible study leader, a theological student, or a pastor. It's very short, and you can get it on the Internet (get in in PDF here), but allow me to summarise his main points.

People won't actually turn away from a sin because you tell them that it's pleasure will only last a short while (though that may be true). Nor will they turn away from sin because it is has bad effects on them in this world (though that may also be true). Nor do will they turn away from a sin because you tell them that it will incur them God's displeasure and judgment in the future (though that may also be true).

That's because their affections have been captured by that sin. They love doing it, they love what it does for them - even though they may know intellectually it'll only last a short while. And you can see this in Christians around you: people know that a thing is wrong - but it doesn't stop them doing it. And keeping on telling them it's wrong doesn't really help in the long term - because their affections are set on it!

However you can see that sometimes people do turn away from a sin. But what has happened there isn't that they have stopped loving that sin - instead they have grown in their love for something else, which is greater. That new thing has now captured their affections. Chalmers describes how the passions of a boy, is replaced by the passions of a young man, which is then replaced by the passions of an older man:


It's not as though the young man has mastered his love for pleasure (by being convinced of its vanity, say) - it's just that he now has become mastered by an even greater love for money. And later on that man seems to not be driven by money - but that's not because he's controlled his love for money (by being convinced that it will earn him God's displeasure). Instead he's become mastered by an even greater love for power.

The way to deal with temptation, then, isn't really to teach about how it is wrong, or how it will cause them harm in this life or the next. We must say these things, but that isn't the real battle. The real battle is actually to show them the excellencies of God, who is the rightful occupier of our affections. To grow someone in their love for God - so that they will no longer be gripped by a love for pleasure, or money, or power. Chalmers says,


The way to fight temptation, then, is to see God in all his glory and grace - and for our hearts to be filled with joy and contentment in Christ, to be filled with awe and worship for God and a longing to see his face.

When we are doing that, we will find that the fight against temptation takes on a whole new character. Temptation is no longer an enormous and powerful boss-robot that we feel powerless to fight. Instead temptation becomes a small squeaky annoyance, whose puny squeaks for our attention are laughable. Just like a young man finds hop-scotch an embarrassingly childish pursuit. Or how an older man regards a younger man's pursuit of money with bemusement.

And when this happens, I have seen people's fight against pornography, or nagging their husband, or their desire for a boyfriend take on a whole new character. No longer are they gazing with longing at the thing they love and trying at the same time to will themselves to push it away - instead they are gazing at God in all his satisfying greatness, and they can't imagine why people would want to chase after those other things in the first place.

In all this we have to point out that the fight is not ours alone - it is God's Holy Spirit who alone can change our hearts. We can expose ourselves to God's word and meditate on the glory and grace of God - but as we do so we must ask and pray and plead for a heart that loves God. Because it is only God himself who changes hearts and makes people grow in their love for him.

But this is how we fight temptation. Not just by telling ourselves it's wrong (though sometimes we don't know, and so we must do that). But by seeing the massive greatness of God - and praying that God would grow us in our love for him.

[ PS: be aware that Thomas Chalmers' language is a bit dated, but read it! and you'll find it transforms your understanding of ministry... ]

How then does the Holy Spirit work in the life of the believer? Here are three diagrams I've used before - you may have seen it at 500, or a SCCCA workshop.

Dragged along by the Spirit In this first diagram you're like a horse and the Spirit has you by the reins and pulls you along. After all doesn't Paul talk about being led by the Spirit? Well the Spirit pulls us along just like a horse.

And the thinking here is that the Spirit does all the work. It should be easy for us. All we need to do is relax and wait for the time when doing God's will comes easily to us. From when God works in us to make it happen. All we have to do is "let go and let God."

Told where to go by the Spirit This second one is more popular in Sydney. Here the Spirit is involved in your life by show you what you need to do. Here the Holy Spirit speaks through the Bible, and illumines our minds to understand the Bible. After all, what is the sword of the spirit? it's the word of God.

And so here the Spirit works by reveal to us in Scripture what we need to do. "Go over there," we are instructed. "Be godly in this way." The spirit has shown you, and so now you're under your own steam, you have to get on with it.

Walk by the Spirit But the third is that we walk by the Spirit. And here the image is of you walking, and the Spirit - not pulling you, not just telling you where to go - but walking alongside with you. Walking beside you, enabling you as you go to put your feet one before the other. The Spirit making it possible for you to take the steps you need to take (Galatians 5:16-18).

Because in reality, it's actually impossible for the natural human being to do what is truly pleasing to God. God actually has to work inside of us to make that happen. And this is what the Bible writers have always said.

Here are several places where we see that dynamic at work. First off, Philippians 2.


In verse 12 Paul tells us to "work out our salvation" - we are meant to walk. But in verse 13, Paul also tells us that while we are to "work out our salvation", it is God who works inside of us to make that happen. And God works inside of us by his Holy Spirit.

Another place where we see this dynamic at work is in 2 Timothy where Paul addresses Timothy specifically, telling him:


Timothy is commanded to "guard the good deposit" (the gospel). That's his responsibility. Yet at the same time Paul tells him that it is the Holy Spirit who works in Timothy to enable him to do what has been commanded of him. Again, the Spirit empowers the human to do what the human has been commanded to do.

And a third place we see this dynamic at work is in Ephesians 3:


How does a person change their heart? What can a person do to make Christ their treasure, which is what they ought to do? In reality, they can't do it for themselves - God has to operate on our hearts to make this happen, by his Holy Spirit.

Time and time again it is the Spirit inside of us who enables us to live a life that is pleasing to God.

And here are the implications of Christians acknowledging this necessary work of God in their lives.

If we believed (like in the first diagram) that we were merely dragged along by the Spirit, then there is no real motivation to grow in godliness. If it's not easy, then simply don't do it. The Spirit's not at work, and so this musn't be God's timing - so there's no point trying.

If we believed (like in the second diagram) that we were merely told what to do by the Spirit, and then had to carry on under our own steam, this leads to people trying hard - but with two results. On the one hand, when they get to the point where they feel they are at the end of their resources, where they are tempted beyond what they can bear, they will give up. Because they are doing on their own steam after all - and really, they can only reasonably be expected to go so far. But on the other hand, if they do succeed, this leads to pride because they think did it by themselves, under their own resources. Well done to them, because of their determination and self control. What heroes of faith!

That second diagram is the "Spirit directed life". But while we do need the Spirit to illumine our darkened minds with God's truth, we need more than that. We actually need God's empowerment...

And for those who understand the dynamic of the third diagram, who truly believe God's promise that God's Holy Spirit is walking with them and enabling them to do that which is humanly impossible but which God has called them to do - when these people get to the end of where 'their' resources can take them, they can keep persevering and not give up - because they know that God's Holy Spirit empowers them supernaturally for their impossible task of forgiving their enemies. Or loving the unlovable. Or turning away from lust.

And when they do forgive their enemies, or turn away from lust, they will not be proud. Instead, they will be humble, knowing that it is God who enables them to do the impossible.

I once spoke to someone who was unwilling to forgive - even though many years had passed, and even though they knew that was what God commands of them. Why wouldn't this person do it? It was just too hard. And that's right, it was beyond their resources - but we are empowered by God's Holy Spirit. I showed this person Galatians 5, but they couldn't believe that God's Spirit would help them to forgive. And that's the issue, really - whether we believe in this promise or not. Because trusting in that, we can do that which is humanly impossible - like resisting temptation, forgiving those who have hurt us - and even loving God!

[ PS: baby no.2 is coming soon... ]

Last week I was at week 2 of the Next Gen conference (what used to be KYLC), leading a Strand 2 group. The topic was "Spirit empowered life", because the five morning talks were on John 14-17, where Jesus prepares his disciples for his departure, and along the way says a fair amount about the Holy Spirit.

However as I reflected on the camp, I realised that the talks didn't really say much about the "Spirit empowered life" at all.

In fact, they said practically nothing at all about the "Spirit empowered life".

Sure, the speaker did talk about the person and work of the Holy Spirit. But what the speaker focussed on in terms of the Spirit's work was twofold, really. First we were told that the Holy Spirit connects us to the Godhead so that we participate in the inner life of the Trinity. And second we were told that the Holy Spirit works through the Scriptures so that we can know what is true. Now both of these are entirely right - but there's something missing here...

In what sense is this Spirit empowered life? If anything it is the Spirit directed life. If anything the Spirit tells us what we should do (through Scripture) - and in terms of empowerement, it's up to us to now obey the direction of the Holy Spirit (in Scripture). To put those instructions into action by our own effort. And for many Christians, this is exactly how they understand the ongoing work of sanctification. We are told what to do in Scripture (and understand it with the help of God's Holy Spirit) - and now it's up to us to go and do it. With our own power.

If you ask someone at your church, "how do I deal with a particular sin?" they would probably shrug and say, "well, you just remember that it's wrong, and you ... stop doing it, I guess." As though a lack of information was the main factor in people sinning. And as though merely by knowing more, our will would automatically choose the godly and pleasing thing. We just have to be strong and disciplined and try a little bit harder.

However this is not the case. The human empowered life may be good enough to deal with small sins and small changes - but the human empowered life is nowhere near powerful enough to deal with large sins and changes that need to take place in the ongoing work of sanctification! We really need God to work in us - and he does, by his Holy Spirit. We really do need the Spirit empowered life, not merely the Spirit directed life.

How then is the Holy Spirit involved in the life of the believer? More on that next post!

[ PS: what would you say to someone who asked you how to deal with sin? ]

Quickly: if you were asked to pray for someone who is sick and dying, what would you pray about?

From my observation over the years, here is what we tend to pray for:

• recovery of health
• relief of suffering
• prolonging of life
• wisdom on the part of doctors
  

And those are in fact good things to pray about. God is sovereign even over microscopic viruses and diseases, and may in his sovereignty intervene in the natural course of a disease to miraculously bring about healing and prolong life.

However that's all we seem to pray about.

And I wonder if the content of such prayers reveals much about what it is that we have really set our hopes on. Notice for instance that there is often no mention in our prayers about:

• desiring to be with Jesus
  
• longing for our heavenly home
• looking forward to the resurrection body
• having confidence in the face of death
  

Why not? I wonder if it's because really, our hopes aren't for our heavenly home. We don't really desire to be with the Lord. Instead, we want to stay here for as long as we can, so we can enjoy our nice house, be with our family, and enjoy more of life. In other words, what we really long for is more of this world and this life.

And so it must sometimes seem to those around us that we Christians are just as fearful of losing our life, and have just as little to look forward to beyond death, as they do. When in fact that is categorically not so.

Instead we look forward with tremendous eagerness to being with the Lord and to enjoy seeing him face to face at last! We long to dwell in the home of righteousness! We look forward to sharing in his resurrection body! We know that the grave does not mean the end of life, but the start of LIFE! We have heaps to look forward to, and so in the first place our prayers over loved ones who are sick should give thanks for the great things in store. Perhaps even giving thanks for this reminder that this world can never satisfy.

However our feeble minds forget the awesome things set aside for us beyond death. And what can loom greater in our minds is pain, or fear, or the natural sadness of having to be apart from loved ones for a while. And so in our prayers we should in the second place also ask that our loved ones who are sick would have a renewed longing for their heavenly home. That God would increase their longing to be with him.

Here is what Paul writes when he realised that his own end was near. Notice particularly the deep affection he has for his future heavenly home, which seeps through from every line.

    6 For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

2 Timothy 4:6-8 (NIV)

Would that, when we are close to death, it is obvious what we have really longed for all these years!

[ PS: of course, non Christians won't know about this hope... ]

People like the idea of house churches.

A house church evokes in our minds the purity of the New Testament early church. They don't need a lot of structure and formality, and instead make do with a simple structure. They don't need all the rules and bureaucracy of an institutionalised church, and instead you have people relating to one another purely, as brothers and sisters...

Sometimes you hear people speak glowingly and wistfully about house churches - and maybe you also long to throw off the restrictiveness of our church structures and go back to the beautiful purity of house churches.

And of course house churches can work nicely. And in some places, that's the only viable church structure in the face of persecution.

However there are problems with house churches, and often people don't realise that they aren't all they are hyped up to be. Power is in the hands of a few people - particularly the family that owns the actual house they meet in. And if they want, they can abuse that power.

Like it or not, they have a big influence on the house church. What if they want to preach? Or if they suggest that their son or daughter would be a good Bible study leader? What if they want a certain event to be held for the church, or if they didn't like another event and simply made their house unavailable on that day?

Of course, if they are godly, then these things shouldn't happen... but there is no guarantee that this will always be the case.

The way to think about church structures isn't to imagine the best case scenario, when everyone is behaving in a godly way. Because if that's what you do, then any church structure will work fine.

Instead, the way to do it is to think about worst case scenarios - what can be done if people behave badly, and things go wrong. What can be done if church leaders abuse their power. Or if certain individuals insist that things get done their way, and lie and slander. What can be done if any one person in the hierarchy ends up going wrong... or if two, or three people go wrong. And the problem with house churches is, little can actually be done if key resources (such as the house) are in the hands of a few people...

This is why when churches get larger, it makes sense to have buildings and property that aren't owned by any one person or family - but by the group. And with that comes all the administrative overhead that we dislike - but all that overhead actually serves to protect gospel ministry for when things go wrong.

[ PS: the 'emerging church' is one modern form of house church movement... ]

How do Chinese churches grow? Primarily through relationships. From my observation of Chinese churches, there are three main modes of growth, each of which makes use of a different sort of relationship. And as a Chinese church matures, you will see it taking on more of these modes of growth.

Chinese churches usually start off with a core group of families who are passionate about growing their church. Usually these are young families with young children, and they naturally reach out best to other young families in their own circle of contacts. And as they share the gospel with other parents, naturally they will also reach that entire family, and that family will also join the church. This is the first mode of growth - and this is why Chinese churches grow very fast in their early years. It's because whole families are being added to their numbers by a core group of families passionate for evangelism. This kind of growth tapers off after a while as passionate families exhaust their circle of family contacts.

As the children of the families get older, there opens up a new mode of growth. In high school or university these children begin to 'own' their own faith, instead of just being brought along to church by their parents. They learn about evangelism, and begin to share the gospel with their own friends. While this second mode of growth usually begins in high school or university, it continues on as these children go through each successive phase of life. So when they leave high school to join university they meet a whole new lot of friends they can start sharing the gospel to. When they start work, again, a new set of friends. When they marry and have children, again, a new set of friends through their playgroup. This adds individual friends one by one, so growth by this mode is slower.

While the second mode of growth adds individuals from new families, it struggles at reaching the rest of those families, particularly non Christian fathers and mothers. This is because Chinese parents generally aren't very receptive to being told by their children that their religious convictions for their whole lives have been wrong! This is when the third mode of growth becomes important. Because while non Christian parents are not receptive to hearing the gospel from their kids, they are much more receptive to hearing it from people their own age, and of their own culture. In this third mode of growth, parents who are passionate about evangelism need to be connected up with non Christian parents of church kids. This kind of growth is much harder to achieve, as it takes some communication and understanding between age groups - all the other kinds of growth can just happen by the 'oldies' doing their thing, or the 'young people' doing their thing!

Now, there is a fourth mode of growth, which is biological growth. This is when young people marry and begin having children of their own... But that'll just make my diagrams far too complicated. Stick with these three for now.

Bear in mind that these are modes, and not stages. You don't leave one stage behind and move on to another - you add new modes of growth to your church. While the youth in your church kicks off the second mode of growth, the first mode should still keep on happening to some extent, although practically speaking, people will exhaust their circle of relationships after a while. This is why Chinese churches need to become proficient at the third mode of growth - to make use of the new family contacts that your church has made over the years!

[ PS: what modes are your church operating on at the moment? ]

Parenting is like holding a strong spring in the palm of your hand. You want to keep the spring in the same place for as long as possible - but how do you do this?

One way is to squeeze the spring very tightly, to make sure it doesn't escape anywhere. And so you squeeze and you squeeze, trying to control it - but sooner or later, one of two things will happen. Either you will get tired and your hands will weaken, or the spring will slip out from between your fingers and escape. And when either of those two things happen, what we discover to our dismay is that the spring doesn't stay where you want it to! Instead, it suddenly jumps out of our reach and rolls far away!

Parents do have the responsibility of raising children into adults who love and fear the Lord. But some parents approach that task by trying to control their young-adult children very tightly - what they study, how they spend their time, what friends they shall have. And their aim is to keep their young-adult children right where they want them - in the right career path, under their roof, and in the same church!

But what often happens is that once their young-adult children find their freedom - perhaps by getting their own car, or by buying a flat and moving out of home - they sometimes go very far away from their parents. Conflicts in the home can sometimes lead to young-adult children springing very far away from us. And it's almost as though the effort that the parents have spent in trying to keep their children in the one place, corresponds to how far the children go when they finally attain the means of independence.

This can be very hurtful for the parents, who really do love their children. And it can also be damaging for the children, who now feel a distrust of parents whom they could otherwise have turned to for advice and support.

But there is another way of holding a spring - and another way of parenting young-adult children.

Instead of squeezing a spring as tight as you can and for as long as you can, hoping it will stay in the one place when we eventually have to let go, we should instead gradually let go of the spring. When we let go gradually, it is more likely to stay here, than if it escapes from our tightly clenched fist. And then when we can finally relax - or we have no other choice but to let go - we can know we have done our part to make sure the spring stays in the right place into the future.

In the same way, parents of young children do start off having to hold on tightly to their children - young children don't automatically know that a boiling pot is hot, or that doing homework is wise! But when children grow into adulthood, we must not keep squeezing our children. Instead we have to learn to gradually - and then finally - let go.

As we gradually let go, we are giving young-adult children increasingly more and more responsibility. More and more opportunities to exercise wisdom in decision making in the reality of life. It even includes giving them the opportunity to make and learn from mistakes, and to live with the consequences of their decisions.

This does not mean we let go of the spring all at once - this is also a recipe for disaster! But while they are under our care, we intentionally give them more and more scope for exercising wisdom, while protecting them from too great a cost. Sometimes their mistakes might even be financially costly ones for us! But this is merely the cost of growing the capacity for wisdom in our children.

[ PS: I shared this analogy with our pastoral team a few weeks ago... ]

What do you do on holidays? You stop working, you stop studying, you stop doing all the normal things - but does your faith also take a break?

Over the years I've noticed that Asians who can afford it like to go back to Hong Kong for their holidays, usually in the December-January period, and usually staying for Chinese New Year. When they're there, they spend time with family, eat food, and go shopping.

Others who have been bitten by the travel bug may be compelled to explore all the unlikely travel spots, soaking in as many new experiences and border crossings as they can.

The temptation though, when your regular pattern of life is broken up, is for your faith to take a back seat. And so instead of meeting up to encourage and be encouraged by your fellow Christians, you would rather shop. Instead of allowing your mind to be transformed by the word of God, you would rather eat. And instead of giving to support Christian ministry, you spend madly, knowing that in a week or so you have to fly back to Australia.

And so, the Christian on holidays often becomes no different from everybody else. Their values, the way they spend their time and money, become so thoroughly indistinguishable.

How sad, that your faith might be so superficial, that you can be waylaid when you are not around your church friends. That it is set aside merely by the promise of bargain shopping, and the inconvenience of having to make your own way to an unfamiliar church!

Of course, Christianity is not merely about going to church. But our sudden change in behaviour when on holidays is revealing...

As Christians, we may go on holidays. We may sightsee, and shop, and eat - but our faith should never take a break.

It is still true that we need fellow Christians (even though they be strangers) to spur us on to love and godliness. In fact what better way to see how Christ has united people of all nations together, than to go and church with people from a foreign country, to see a national as a brother, a sister in Christ!

It is still true that we must remind ourselves of Christian truths - perhaps even more than ever, because of the overwhelming nature of being in another culture. Daniel and his friends, exiled in Babylon, faced overwhelming pressure to conform to the culture of their Babylonian masters!

And it is still true that people we meet on our travels need to hear the gospel. In fact in the early years of the church, the gospel was spread by missionaries like Paul - but it was also taken from city centres far and wide by everyday, ordinary Christians on their travels. It was probably such Christians who established the church in Rome (which was why Paul had to introduce himself by letter)!

[ PS: how do you behave on holidays? ]

Ever thought that it was wrong you don't remember every sermon you've ever heard? Ever thought that it reflects negatively on your own concentration ability, or the communication skills of the preacher that not every sermon sticks in your head?

People sometimes admit that they don't remember every detail from a Bible study group, or the Sunday service - and they feel bad about it.

What I want to point out here is that the sermons you hear are just like the meals that you eat. Sure, some sermons will remain with you for the rest of your life - just as some dinners are just so memorable you can remember every detail years later. But you won't remember every meal you've ever had - in fact, it's likely that you will only remember very few of them! However each of those meals was important in keeping you going for that day, that week.

What did you have for dinner exactly a year ago from today? You probably can't remember. How about that whole month, can you remember any of those dinners in January 2007? Well it doesn't necessarily follow that it was a complete waste of time eating those dinners. You may not remember them, but each of those dinners contributed to your ongoing health and vitality back then. If you skipped all those meals, you can be sure that it would have had a devastating impact on your life!

What about the sermons you heard in January 2007? If you can't remember any of them, I wouldn't necessarily be worried. Yes it could be something wrong with the preacher, or something wrong with yourself (see the previous series here, here and here). But if those things are alright, then it's probably the normal way of things.

The job of the sermon is to keep us going by reminding us week in and week out, of the things we already know. To sustain us by refreshing our forgetful minds of the riches we have in Christ, and the hope we have awaiting us when he returns.

Be aware, however, of the danger of wanting every sermon to be memorable. If you fall into that trap, you will be burdening yourself (and the preacher, or your Bible study leader) with an unrealistic expectation every Sunday morning. The logical outcome is that one we've heard all there is to hear, there's no longer any point coming to church!

Taking up the analogy of meals again, that would be like eating a meal of chicken, then one of beef, then a pork, then lamb and then fish - and having eaten each of those once, thinking that we no longer have to eat again! After all, why keep on eating something you've eaten once before?

But that's not the point of eating - and nor is it the point of sermons (or Bible studies). Their job is to keep us going - just like eating regular meals.

[ PS: more on sermons to come... ]

"It's only a small thing. We should worry about other things instead."
"It doesn't hurt anybody."

This is the minimsation trick - comforting ourselves that really, it's not such a big sin.

 

However James tells us that the tongue the last part of our body we can keep in check (James 3:2). If you think your tongue is easy to manage, you need to think twice!

 

Moreover, it's not a small thing - the misuse of our tongue can actually endanger our very souls! James says that it can corrupt the whole person (James 3:6). And as such, we can't afford to let it slide.

 

James actually has quite a lot to say about the tongue and godly speech, and will repay careful study.

"Everyone else does it."

This is the democratisation trick - everyone else is doing it, so it must be ok. However as with the other ones we've looked at in previous posts, our standard for right conduct is not others around us, but God's own holiness (1 John 3:3).

"If I don't also share information, people will think I'm not interesting."

"I'll lose friends if I don't tell."

 

This similar to the one above, but has an added edge to it that really cuts. We all want to be seen as popular, we all want to be regarded well by our friends. And we instinctively know that one way to be regarded well is to seem to know a lot of stuff on what's going on - to be an authority (as it were) on the goings on at church.

 

So when people come to us and say "did you know about xyz?" we can respond to them "yes I already know, but even worse was that abc!" And so we rise in esteem in their eyes - moreso than if all we had to say was "I see." The edge is that we end up being socially inferior if we don't participate. Once we put it that way, you can see that it may really cost you, to pursue holy living. And so you need to decide whether you want to pursue the approval of your friends (which is much more immediate and palpable) - or the approval of God (which may not seem immediately apparent, but is eternal).

 

Another thing this raises is the character of relationships we have with our friends at church. Are our relationships with others so hollow that we need to maintain them with gossip and the one-upmanship of inside knowledge? If so, then you must raise this serious matter with your 'friends', and reform the whole nature and basis of your relationship.

 

"But the things I shared are true."

Right - and this is the difference between gossip (which is true information) and slander (which is untrue). However the Bible still speaks strongly against gossiping. In Romans 1 for instance, gossiping is listed together with a whole range of things including those who murder and those who hate God! By confusing gossip and slander in our minds, we can delude ourselves to think that gossiping is OK, since the information we share is true. It's not!

"They really should hear about this, so that they can pray for the situation."

This is the whole thing of using time to share prayer points as a big gossip session - and is the trick of using virtue as a cover-up for evil. How terrible that something that ought to be a time of holy dependence ends up being a time of unabashed sin!

 

It's great that people would pray for others at church. In a situation where one brother has sinned against another, however, the way to help isn't to spread the news - it's actually to encourage them to get together for forgiveness and reconciliation, without getting other people involved. In fact Jesus himself tells us not to get other people involved (Mat 18:15)! It's only in later stages, and as part of the actual process, that others should hear about it (Mat 18:16-17).

So. You're one of these people with several months' worth of holidays?  And you've got no idea how to fill it up?

Be aware that these holidays are valuable. No other time in your life (apart from when you retire) will you have such huge slabs of time to do with as you wish.

Because when you start working, you'll only get four weeks worth of annual leave a year (in Australia) - that's only twenty days!

So if you have two, or even three months' worth of holidays, make the most of it while you have them!

Here then are some suggestions of what you could do with your holidays.

1. Katoomba Youth Leadership Conference (KYLC). This is a week long conference run in mid-January each year. They repeat the program over two weeks, so you can choose which week to go to, and is pretty much the best thing you can do with your holidays.
   
   KYLC exposes you to great talks, and strand groups designed to help you handle the Bible better. It actually functions as a three-year programme which deals with exegesis of a NT passage (strand 1), exegesis of an OT passage (strand 2), and then systematic theology (strand 3). So to make the most of it, try to get to KYLC three years running.
   
   If you can't make it to KYLC there is also the AFES National Training Event (held in mid-December), which is similar to KYLC, but also contains a mission component where you join a team that does outreach at a local church for several days.
   
   
2. Scripture Union Family Missions (SUFM), otherwise known as Beach Missions, runs at various beach holiday spots up and down the coast, where a team of people does outreach to holidaymakers (and locals) in early January.
   
   Country missions (such as Cowra Mission) do a similar thing, but in inland locations such as country towns.
   
   These sort of missions are things where you go to people, and do mission among them (often in conjunction with local churches).
   
   
3. A slightly different proposition, where you hold a camp and people come to you, are things like Kid's Camp, run by Fitzroy Falls Conference Centre. Kid's Camp is a week-long Christian camp in early January aimed at underprivileged primary aged children and does awesome coal-face outreach work.
   
   Similar things are Summer Breakaway Camp also for primary aged kids, and Summer Youth Camp (SYC) for high schoolers.
   
   The impact you can have over the course of a week is simply tremendous, which makes such camps so worthwhile.
   
   
4. Read a Christian book. Some good sales on at the moment at Christian bookshops. If you're the kind of person that's so busy during the year that you never get to read a good Christian book, then why not pick one up now?
   
   
5. Catch up with people. A lot of the best ministry can be done informally, over a cup of coffee. Why not meet up with some of your friends from church or uni, and encourage them along, or read the Bible together with them?
   

Yes, you could get a part-time job and work away your holidays. Or, you could spend all of it on the beach (or shopping in Hong Kong). But you only have such long holidays for a limited time - make the most of the opportunity you have now to do some of these great things!

[ PS: what will you do in your holidays? ]

"Our relationship will last forever anyway."

 

When you're going out, it might feel like your relationship is going to be forever - but you're not yet married. And BGRs that feel like forever sometimes will break up.

 

"It feels so good, it must be right."

 

This is the argument of the hedonist, where pleasure is the ultimate good. And yes, there's lots of pleasure to be had in sex - but as with other things, it can be used in a way that honours God's purpose and design, or which ignores it.

 

"The feeling was just too strong!"

 

We're promised that we won't be tempted beyond what we can bear, and that God would provide a way out (1 Cor 10). However, we often do the most silliest thing by actually placing ourselves in the place of temptation, instead of avoiding the situation entirely.

 

"Everyone is having sex early these days."

This is the democratisation trick - everyone else is doing it, so it must be okay, I'm not too bad compared to everyone else! However our real standard is not what other people are doing - but the purity of God. John says that we will one day see God as he is - and those who have such a hope will purify themselves, as he is pure.
 

"I was born this way."

"I have to be true to myself."

 

The argument of someone struggling with strong homosexual feelings. And the greatest 'sin' in our world (taught by our movies to believe Maslow's heirarchy of needs) is to deny one's own self-actualisation. But by the same reasoning, a hetrosexual man who lusts after a woman should act on that lust, in order to be true to himself. Remember when Jesus called his followers to deny themselves?

 

"I'm only admiring God's work."

"It's only looking."

"It's a small thing I can safely ignore."

 

This minimalises (or in one case excuses) lust or pornography as something small. However Jesus won't let us minimise it. In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus reveals that lust is as serious as actually committing adultery itself! And close by is his admonition to pluck out your eye / cut off your hand lest it take you to hell...

 

"It doesn't hurt anybody."

"It won't have any far-reaching effects."

These are related to the ones above, but have a slightly different edge - they have to do with the effects. The belief here is that no one is hurt or damaged by this act, so it should be okay. However lust and pornography have the potential to damage your future relationships. Once seen, you will find it hard to erase images and thoughts from your mind, and you will carry this burden into every future relationship.

"I should take / do whatever I want (sexually)."

 

This is the outcome of the previous belief. Watch enough pornography, and you'll start to think that women are there to take and use sexually - because that's what gets depicted! However in the bedroom, as in every other area of life, the husband should exercise loving headship, and the wife Christlike submission.

"It will make me feel better about myself."
"Just once more, and then I'll stop."

 

Something important that you should know is that most sexual sins acutally put us into a vicious circle!

What happens is that we commit the sin, and get an initial good feeling - but then begin to feel bad about ourselves. When we feel really bad about ourselves, we go back to that sexual sin again, which gives us that initial good feeling and covers over those bad feelings - but then after a short while, we feel guilty and ashamed...

Sexual sin promises a wonderful feeling, but can actually suck us into a never-ending cycle of guilt and despair!

"I will be satisfied / happy once I get this one thing."
"You will feel good about yourself if you get this thing."

 

These are slightly different from each other. In the first one we imagine that we are at a certain level of happiness (say, 40%), and that after we buy this new thing, we will then move up to a new level of happiness for the rest of our life (say, 60%). However what actually happens is that it makes us happy only for a short while - perhaps a day or two - and then we drop back to our previous level of discontentment. As Jesus says, a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions!

 

The second one is a lot more subtle. Somtimes we tie our identity and self-worth to the things that we have, or the amount  that we earn. And so if we earn $60,000 we feel better about ourselves than if we earnt $40,000. If we drove a shiny new BMW we feel better about ourselves than if we drove an old Datsun. For Christians, it is completely wrong to get our self-worth from these external things! And for non-Christians, how pathetic that they need such things to prop up their ego.

 

"Everyone is getting one, so it must be okay."

 

Here we are comparing our use of money not to God's standard of contentment and generosity, but to what we see others around us doing. If we aren't doing something outrageously different, it must be okay. However this is a problem since our society is also captivated by greed and materialism!

 

"At least I'm not blowing my money on a Ferrari or something like that!"
"It's only a new pair of shoes."

 

Related to the previous one is when we play the extreme game. We know that we're not at the very extreme (eg. buying or wanting a shiny red Ferrari) - so therefore whatever I want or do must be okay by comparison! You can't show me clearly that it's defintely wrong! And so by this we justify getting ourselves a nice new Mitsubishi instead. However it still may not be a good use of money, and it may hide what we really have on our hearts.

 

"My money is mine to do with as I want. I was the one who earnt it!"

 

Yes, it is a good thing to enjoy the good things of this world. But don't forget that we are called to be good stewards of the resources that God has given us. This includes our time, our energy - but also our money.

 

"I need to look after number one"
"Money gives me security for the future."

 

One of the lies about money is that it provides security and protection for life in an uncertain world. We can buy good healthcare when we are sick, or buy a few months' worth of grocieries if we lose our job. Paul warns us about this in 1 Timothy 6, and Jesus himself also in the parable of the rich fool - it is not the foolproof and ultimate protection that we pretend that it is.

 

"I'm just being careful with money."
"I'm just saving for the kids."

 

This justifies our hoarding of money (and its consequent lack of generosity) by pointing out that it is a good to be wise with money. And yes, it is good to be wise with money - there are quite a few verses in Proverbs about this very thing. However this thinking conveniently ignores that we are also called to be generous with money - and uses the virtue of wisdom as a cover up for our greed.

  14 He makes grass grow for the cattle,
    and plants for man to cultivate--
    bringing forth food from the earth:
  15 wine that gladdens the heart of man,
    oil to make his face shine,
    and bread that sustains his heart.

Psalm 104:14-15 (NIV)

  29 Who has woe? Who has sorrow?
    Who has strife? Who has complaints?
    Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes?
  30 Those who linger over wine,
    who go to sample bowls of mixed wine.
  31 Do not gaze at wine when it is red,
    when it sparkles in the cup,
    when it goes down smoothly!
  32 In the end it bites like a snake
    and poisons like a viper. […]

 Proverbs 23:29-32 (NIV)

I often hear of Christian parents in various churches being very concerned that their children no longer want to come to church. "And what," they ask, "is my church doing about it?" In response Christian parents sometimes demand that their children immediately start attending church regularly. And youth leaders feel the sudden burden laid on their shoulders to suddenly turn the youth into committed and responsible Christians.

But this generally is the culmination of a string of events through the life of the child. And we need to consider: how have Christian parents been influencing their children all along? Have they in fact been modelling that Christianity is second in importance to money, studies and marks? Have they only been asking about how they are going at school, and never asking about how they are going in evangelism? Have they always insisted passionately on tuition, and only been half-hearted about the church's youth group?

And so it's no surprise that sometimes we do see children of Christian parents growing up to see Christianity is unimportant - unfortunately, that's what has been modelled to them in the home for 15 years. At that stage, it's generally too late for parents to positively influence their children - if they are no longer interested in following Christ, there is little that Christian parents can do.

I do notice that relationships can sometimes open up again later in life. And so sometimes Christian parents can get a second chance at influencing their children - but it is only sometimes. And their ability to influence is much reduced.

Instead what parents need to do is to consciously bring up their children to love the Lord early on in life - and to keep on doing it consistently, all through the troublesome teenage years. You can't switch from being interested in marks and studies, and then all of a sudden later on in life ask them "so... how is your prayer life?" That is just going to come across as awkward and weird! It has to be done consistently, from an early age.

Note that this doesn't mean that parents stop talking about marks - it actually is a wise thing to know about this world, and to prepare well for living in it, and so parents want to keep training up their children in that kind of wisdom. But biblically, the cornerstone of true wisdom is the fear of the Lord, and parents will only do a complete job of raising wise children by also training them to be strong Christians. They need to train up their children for worldly wisdom (by getting them to study diligently), as well as for godly wisdom (by nurturing their relationship with God).

Furthermore it's the role of parents to be bringing up children in the fear and knowledge of the Lord - not the role of the church! Yes, the church can help with things like Sunday School and youth groups - but these should only support the role of Christian parents, and can never replace it. After all the youth group leader only sees the children once or twice a week for a few hours - and isn't living in the home with them, modelling Christlike living and gospel-transformed values. That, only parents can do.

How then are parents to do this earlier on in life? Here are some simple ways:

• Make it obvious that you are doing your devotions, and tell the kids not to bother you because it's important. This models that your own relationship with God is important to you, that you also fear God.
• Start talking about God in your normal conversations: "Yes, God is saddened when he sees that sort of thing happen in his world." This makes it more normal to keep on talking about God later on in life.
• Always do a short devotion together over the dinner table - have one person read a short Bible passage, and then another person pray based on that passage. It takes less than three minutes, but they hear their parents reading the Bible and hear the content of their prayers (the XTG series put out by Matthias Media is excellent).
• Avoid using Christianity as a tool to get what you want out of the kids: "Practice your piano, or God will be angry at you!" This is actually called religious abuse! And moreover it will sour their experience of Christianity.

A saying goes that the best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago, and the second best time to plant a tree is now. So if you have primary aged children, now is the best time to start influencing your children! Because if you leave it too late, you may have lost your chance to train your child...

[ PS: am going up to Engage this weekend... ]

When I speak to some parents at church I'm often struck by how interested they are in the spiritual welfare of their high school aged children. They are aware of God's direction that they raise up their children in the fear and knowledge of the Lord. They pray for their children every day.

However when I speak to the children of those same parents, their perception of their parents is very different...

Instead of perceiving their Christian parents as being interested in their spiritual welfare, they instead get the impression that their parents are only concerned about marks, school, and getting a good job. Moreover, it seems to them that their Christian parents are indifferent to their spiritual welfare!

How does this come about?

• Christian parents only ever seem to talk to their children about their studies - and never about spiritual things.
• The things that Christian parents insist on all seem to relate to exams and marks - and never about growing in faith, hope and love.
• The comments Christian parents make about careers makes it clear that being a doctor, lawyer or accountant is great - but you really should think twice about being a pastor, youth worker or missionary.
• In the priorities of Christian parents, church events sometimes need to give way for their children's studies. But interestingly, their studies never seem to have to give way for church events...

Many parents I speak to are actually interested in the spiritual growth of their children - but it doesn't come across very well. This has the unfortunate effect of souring their relationship with their children.

How can parents change this perception?

Christian parents must be scrupulously careful in what they communicate to their children in their words, actions and priorities. In every conversation - and even in their non verbal communication - they are teaching their children. Through all of these children build up a picture of what is important to their Christian parents. Parents need to know that their children hear and see everything that goes on in the home - and act accordingly.

This means that Christian parents have to change their conversation, replacing some of those questions about studies - with questions about what they could be praying for. Or questions about their spiritual growth. Christian parents need to replace some of their concern about marks - and also show their desire that they grow in faith and hope and love. That it's just as important for them that they prepare for this world - as they do for the world to come.

A few parents may actually have to repent of priorities that are in fact far away from God's plan for Christian parenthood. But for most Christian parents, thankfully it's merely a perception thing.

[ PS: what is your non verbal communication conveying? ]

In this follow-up post, I'll be outlining some of the ways - both good and bad - that people use in relating to their parents. You can imagine the four of these models arranged into a quadrant (see diagram).

1. Compliance

In this model, the child does whatever the parent tells the child to do. While this may be appropriate for young children, it becomes more and more inappropriate for adult children. As an adult, their aim should be to honour their parents (see earlier post).

Yet out of a desire to keep the peace, or out of laziness to commit the emotional energy needed to truly engage with their parents, or perhaps by not being aware of other ways of relating, an adult child might still relate using the compliance model.  This is further complicated when parents want for their children to keep relating to them under the compliance model, well into true adulthood.

While there may be compliance on the outside in terms of behaviour, on the inside the child might all the while be harbouring resentment and hatred. And while the child may have grown up, the relationship with the parents has not.

2. Disengagement

In this model the child is passively disinterested in the constant nagging of the parent. They may shut themselves in their room, or cut themselves off emotionally from their parents, or  seek any way to cut short conversations. This model often appears in adolesence - picture the noncommunicative teenager!

This stems from the awareness that somehow, things are now different in the relationship - but an uncertainty as to how to relate to parents in a new situation. And perhaps the simplest solution to this discomfort is to withdraw, and talk as little as possible.

Ironically, parents often respond to disengagement by pursuing their teenager (or even adult child) more and more, since it seems that their words of caution and wisdom aren't sinking in. And so caring parents repeat their messages again and again so as to be heard - but this is perceived as nagging. The situation that was once merely uncomfortable for the child now becomes annoying - and this then leads to a vicious cycle where the child retreats further and further from their parents.

3. Confrontation

In this model the child reacts against their parents making use of their newly discovered powers of articulation and personhood. All of a sudden they discover their rights as a person, and how their rights are not being respected by parents. And this comes out in the fights they have with their parents. "I'm an adult now, I can go out if I want, you can't stop me."

This is one of the unfortunate outcomes of Western individualism's focus on the individual's rights - the relationships we are in must necessarily take second place.

4. Engagement

In this final model, the adult child is actively engaging with their parents. The adult child is relating to their parents as an adult, seeking to understand their arguments, showing interest in their views, sharing information that they have, and asking for advice. In short, engagement is acting responsibly. I detailed five steps to engagement in the last post (see previous post).

But observe that engagement is different from compliance. In compliance the parent is the one doing the thinking and making decisions; in engagement the child is the one making decisions, and enlists the help of parents in their thinking and decision making process. The adult child is now the one who makes decisions - and does so in a responsible manner.

And engagement is different from confrontation. It shares with it the use of the child's powers of articulation and awareness of personhood - but it is mature, not childish. The adult child realises that to make responsible decisions, it is wise to listen to the counsel of their parents. To seek their advice. And the adult child realises that they are not merely individuals, but beings created for relationships.

[ PS: what model characterises your relationship with your parents? ]